February 17, 2011
Classic symptoms of depression. TIRED. DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING. I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE, BUT I CAN'T REACH OUT. I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I'M LONELY. FEEL LIKE CRYING. I'M AFRAID.
My last surgery was 3 weeks ago. I now have a nipple. It looks pretty good, but my range of motion is tight again. Not really limited, but tight. It feels like pulling and tugging. It still doesn't feel like my body. Today, I feel like I have an alien stuck to my chest. I want to take it off.
These are not productive thoughts. This is my body. My new breast is not an alien. My new breast IS REAL, and it is a real, living part of my body that I will learn to respect and love. It has generated veins that I can see through my skin, just like throughout the rest of my body. The newness of sensation will become unremarkable over time. I know these things. I am so very, very amazed and awed by what my body has gone through and created - a whole new pathway of life to a reconstructed organ! Still, today I'm on the verge of tears.
Andy and I are going to the Caribbean this Saturday for a week, then I go back to work. It would make so much more sense to be excited about the trip, and I am. It just seems so scary to go back to work. If today was a work day, I don't know what I'd do. I've been practicing waking up early so that I'll be ready for that schedule. This morning, I just couldn't wake up until after 8:00.
I'm trying to pull it together to get out in the sunshine. It's probably already 30 degrees - very manageable here in Vermont. Sunshine helps trigger some brain chemicals that make people feel happier. So I must go outside.
Depression is part of the healing process. It won't last. It's ok to be depressed. It won't kill me.
Here I go...