Let me say that I'm already feeling a little better.
It's been over 3 weeks since I've run outdoors. I have been running on the treadmill, and doing pretty well with it. I've totally gotten over my vanity - the bandaging on my breast totally sticks out and is hard to miss under my running clothes. But I've gotten to where it does feel a little like a badge of honor. The truth is, we all think other people notice far more about us than they really do. Most people who work out at my gym are just doing their own thing. So I have been running on the tread mill, and I feel pretty strong.
It's been cold, windy, and icy on the sidewalks. I have not wanted to risk a fall since the last surgery, 3 weeks ago. So, I haven't ventured outside. It's 40 degrees out right now, and THERE IS NO REASON for me to pass up this opportunity. I'm going out. even for a very short one. I'll take my phone. I can call a cab if I change my mind.
My running is such a part of my identity that it's hard to be realistic about what my body is ready for. I think I'm getting there. At first, I thought "OH! No problem. I'll be able to do *%!$%# miles by June and can sign up for &*(%$@# race. I've changed my mind set. Now, I am very proud of running on good days. If I've had a good running week, I know I may need to cut back the next week. I still get pretty exhausted. My goals are modest, and I expect bumps in the road and setbacks. I have learned this over the past few months. And I am usually at peace with it.
Running has been such a gift in my life. It calms me when I'm not calm, and it boosts my spirits so high. I'm so happy I can run again, even though it's very different than before the mastectomy. I still feel like a wild animal when I run. It's not always about the distance or the speed.
I'm getting out there... I'm still in PJs, but I'm getting out there.
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